The Crucible?

About the name and why I'm here, now.

The Crucible:

1. a vessel in which metals or other substances can be heated at very high temperatures.

2. a situation of severe trial, in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.

3. a safe location to confront the truth.

Cauldron | The Metropolitan Museum of Art

I created this Substack three years ago, on May 6th 2021. I was pregnant with identical twins at the time. We had already named them. Caroline and Frida, we addressed my growing belly directly. Three months later I birthed their still bodies into a dark room.

I have no record of what I originally wanted this Substack to be. I didn’t name it. I have a vague memory of planning to write about my pregnancy here; I wanted to tell the world what it felt like to have two pairs of legs kick me from the inside. I have no drafts, no voice notes. I wish I had pages and pages of material from that time so I could pour over every word for the rest of my life. Memories of them, the feeling of those mighty little kicks, float farther and farther away with each new moon.

So I return here, wondering who they would be, who I would be, what this stupid, precious Substack would have been. And I want to set it all on fire. I want to set the world on fire.

But I don’t, ofcourse. I have a living child (Gia) now, and she is magnificent. I am coming back to life, I am writing again. I have a lot to say. I just need a place to say it.

I called this The Crucible because it encompasses the feeling of a melting pot. A cauldron. ‘A safe location to confront the truth’ Melissa Febos says of writing in her brilliant book on personal narrative, Body Work. This is what I want The Crucible to be.

I want to write about many things here. Not just what I know about grief and love and motherhood, though I’m sure those topics will rise to the top. I want to write about my thoughts on tarot and how I use it in my life. I want to talk about the shit that makes me mad. I want you to know about the tv and celebrity gossip that comforts me in my shittest moments. I want to tell you all the things I’ve changed my mind about in the last three years.

I’m excited. Thanks for being here. x

Some notes:

• For now, all posts will be free. You are also welcome (and encouraged!) to support my writing with a paid subscription. Every five bucks helps.

• In future, I will put some posts behind a paywall. There may come a time when I want to share writing that feels too personal to make public.

• I am making a cautious commitment to publish two posts a month. I want to build a body of work here, piece by piece. The publishing schedule will wax and wane and I will keep you in the loop as I go.

• This writing is for everyone who is drawn to read it. I especially want it to reach the bereaved mothers and fathers who need it, and the midwives, doctors and doulas who care for them in their darkest hour.

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